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Joke of the Day

"*first date* Me: Tell me more about you Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN'T STABBED ANYONE LATELY Me: *deletes Tinder* Let's get married!"

"GUY 1: I beat cancer GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe GUY 1: So what? GUY 2: And I didn't tell anyone about it when I got back GUY 1: You win"

"yes ladies i have a black belt. its a black leather belt from Marshalls. [i flinch as a bird flys by] you girls wanna get some lunch?"

"Tell someone, ""You wore that shirt the day after yesterday"" and see how long it takes them to get it."

"Pretty cool that the letters ""B.J."" stand for the two greatest things in the world: beef jerky & Billy Joel."

"You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means."

"Girl: Do you have protection? Me: Um like a sword?"

"Want to hear an awesome lyrebird impression? You just did."

"Have you heard about the new pirate movie? All the producers have Hook Noses #racistdadjoke"

"How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb? None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house."