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Joke of the Day

"There are two kinds of people. Those who admit they pee in the shower, and goddamn liars."

"Why cant black people get PhD's? Because they can't get past their Masters."

"I just did my budget for August. If I don't buy food ... I won't need toilet paper. I think I'm on to something here."

"My daughter: Do you want a kiss daddy? Me: Of course. My daughter: Does it make you sad that no other girls want to kiss you? Me: Thanks."

"How many /r/news mods does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know, but it only takes one to get it [removed]"

"Pirate ship Why did the pirate carve a topless mermaid into the front of his ship? Yar, cause wouldn't it be loverly"

"Why don't they sell aspirin in the rainforest? Because it would be economically unviable to market a pharmaceutical in such a vastly unpopulated area."

"My friend told me to stop singing Wonderwall I said Maaaybe"

"*at the gym* Trainor: Have a donut. Me: Wow! Sure! T: Here's some pizza. M: What kind of trainer are you? T: I'm a Megan Trainor."

"I don't think I'll beheading to the Middle East any time soon."