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Joke of the Day

"Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor"

"What do you call a state named after highways? Road Island."

"[dinner party] mario: what's in this risotto? me: mushroom, you're not allergic? mario: *grows to like 20 feet*"

"To all those people who said I would be an unfit parent, have you seen the little guy lately? Cause that would be a big help, I seem to have misplaced him."

"Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing."

"For gods sake! You'd think it would be safe not locking a car in a church carpark on a Sunday, apparently NOT. Anyway I got 8 iPhones."

"What does an Apple Watch do when it gets hungry? It goes back four seconds."

"[pulls into taco bell drive thru] Hi, I'd like enough tacos to forget 2016"

"Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day"

"What's the opposite of the constitution? The prostitution."