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Joke of the Day

"Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don't wash the vegetables when I make their salads."

"What do you get when you cross a poodle with an elephant? A dead poodle with an asshole of diameter 40cm."

"I recently saw a Broadway production about the origin of language It was just a play on words"

"Doctor Doctor I think I need glasses You certainly do Sir this is a fish and chip shop!"

"Why do they evacuate women and children first? You can't fix shit with all that screaming and crying. (**Yes, you can evacuate people.** Check #2 here: http://www.dictionary.com/browse/evacuate)"

"What do you call a guy who's great at tying flies? A *master baiter*"

"You all need to stop worrying about Trump becoming the next president... There's no way he's moving into a smaller house in a black neighborhood!"

"My wife finally conceded in an ongoing argument we were having about clocks It was about time."

"A pharmacy was just robbed. A pharmacy was just robbed $500,000. Security camera footage recorded the criminal taking 2 bottles of aspirin and a Zoloft."

"Me: I want a... Debit card: Nope. Me: Ok. Just making sure."