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Joke of the Day

"Why do they evacuate women and children first? You can't fix shit with all that screaming and crying. (**Yes, you can evacuate people.** Check #2 here: http://www.dictionary.com/browse/evacuate)"

"[waiting with friend for his test results] ""I'm nervous"" I'm sure you're fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*"

"You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you'll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to ""sit""."

"Why can't you reveal someone's private information online while flying? Because that would be a para-dox."

"Who was the only novelist with both direction and magnitude? Vector Hugo."

"Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere!"

"It must be tough for a woman going through her OKCupid messages finding a good one... It's like finding a needle in a hey-stack."

"How do you piss off a white guy? Tell him he is racist."

"What's blue and doesn't fit? A dead epileptic."

"A cop pulls over a guy for suspected DUI ""How high are you?"" the cop says. ""No, officer, it's 'Hi, how are you,'"" says the guy."