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Joke of the Day

"Really not sure why people tell me to ""be honest"" then get all upset when I tell them their eyebrows need a divorce. *shrugs*"

"My buddy David lost his id so now I just call him Dave."

"What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? Nobody ever wants to borrow my hippo :-("

"How are Bill Cosby and Santa Claus similar They both only come when your sleeping"

"Alton towers changed its name! To leg - go land"

"I bought a Valentine's Day card for everyone at our local Tourette's Society. It's the thought that cunts."

"What's the most common way to trigger a feminist? Right away."

"WIFE: would you chop these onions for me ME: sure WIFE: I meant with a knife ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man"

"look. life is bad. evryones sad. we're all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat"

"""Maybe she's born with it. Maybe she's a monster wearing a shit ton of makeup."" -Maybelline"