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Joke of the Day

"[on phone with mom] SHE SAID YES!!!! ""congrats, son"" I asked her if she thought I was weird ""Wait what?"" She thinks I'm weird. We broke up"

"How many first-time theater directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know, what do you guys think?"

"Why was the Rastafarian poor? Because he was jah bless"

"I do laundry so infrequently that anything not filthy feels fancy. ""Woah two clean socks? What is this, prom night!?"""

"thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried..."

"My actual wife and my twitter wife are talking via Kik. I will be camping in the woods forever if you need me."

"What is another name for a Jewish guest? A visitorah Sorry"

"How do you make Holy Water? Boil the hell out of it."

"Due to the rise of suspicious clown activity, Party City has removed all associated costumes from its' shelves... ... Clinton and Trump are furious."

"How many kids does a sterile German have? Nein."