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Joke of the Day

"How many first-time theater directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know, what do you guys think?"

"A girl asked me if I would like to see her pussy... ...and then she showed me her cat!"

"Girlfriend pressuring you to have a baby? Set the alarm on her phone to an infant screaming. If that doesn't changer her mind..DUMP HER!"

"I'd rather pick my nose in traffic than arrive at my destination with a crusty booger. Anyone who says different is a liar."

"Schrodinger's cat jokes never get old well, they do, but, they don't"

"Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody's gettin' ready for the world's end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?"

"My wife hasn't spoken to me since I fingered her twin by mistake during a drunken dance at a wedding... He's not happy about it either..."

"Today was boring, I hung around in my underwear all day... got kicked out of quite a few businesses though."

"Sorry neighbor who's choking to death, my cat's resting his little head on my leg. This, like, never happens."

"Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump's security team came out of nowhere to deport me."