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Joke of the Day

"Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone."

"We should just rename television viewing ""watching Geico commercials""."

"Just cleaned out my desk. Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp. Good news: I found the plane!"

"My girlfriend left me for a Hindu guy. Anyway, he'll treat her better they worship cows."

"What do you call hundreds of crows at a Catholic church? A mass murder."

"The other day I was scraping leftovers into the garbage... ...and I couldn't help but think of those poor kids in Africa who don't have any garbage bins."

"Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy? Me neither."

"What would you rather have Parkinson's or Alzheimer's? At least with Parkinson's you have half a pint."

"Since it started raining all my girlfriend has done is look through the window If it gets any worse i'll have to let her in"

"You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly."