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Joke of the Day

"Doctor Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off. Oh dear that's a lot of calories!"

"[steps off crosstrainer] ""Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I'm fitn--"" ""Shall I call an ambulance?"" ""Please."""

"What do you call a masturbating bull? Beef Stroganoff."

"All status updates posted on my wall are purely fictional any resemblance to actual people, places or events is purely coincidental."

"A man cheats... on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine died. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, ""I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."""

"I don't like guys who only make periodic chemistry jokes at parties. I usually ask those Mendeleev."

"bones found on the moon..... ....apparently the cow didn't make it ?"

"The United States has fallen into disrepair, due to a great catastrophe... ...they say it was called: ""The 2016 Presidential Election Season"""

"I bet rocket scientists are conceited bastards. ""YOU CALL THIS A MARTINI? THIS ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE DAMMIT! I WOULD KNOW!"""

"Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way."