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Joke of the Day

"There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you."

"I was speaking to a black man the other day, when I said I suffered from Deuteranopia he asked 'Are you being racist?' I said 'no, I don't see colour'"

"Girl, you can call me the Pillsbury Doughboy because I got whatchu knead.."

"There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life's face to find she has deflated in the night."

"Wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard, ""Actually sir, we have you on camera."""

"Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it's expected that you'll continue to speak w/accent after you're hired"

"One burrito looks at another burrito and says, ""you wanna fight?"" The second burrito says, ""nah"". The first burrito says, ""What are you, chicken?"""

"It is so cold outside that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pocket"

"My signature move, is pulling on a push only door, when attempting to get it for a woman."

"""Here we are."" I thought we were going to the camoflauge store? This is just an empty field. ""No it's not."" Oh this place is good."