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Joke of the Day

"My neighbor's looking at me like she's never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what's with the screaming? And the golf club?!"

"My 3 moods: 1. I'm too tired for this shit 2. I'm too old for this shit 3. I'm too sober for this shit"

"Hi, I'm your son's teacher, Ms. Frizzle. Funny story, your kid is dead and inside a tortoise"

"For me, girls are like blackjack... I try to go for 21 but I always hit on 14."

"I like my women like I like my golf score In the low 80s with a slight handicap"

"ELF: Santa one of the reindeer swallowed my pencil! What should I do? SANTA: Use a pen."

"The most terrifying sentence in the world. ""I'm from the government, and I'm here to help."" -RR"

"A girl asked me if I would like to see her pussy... ...and then she showed me her cat!"

"A man walks into a psychologists office... wearing nothing but saran wrap. The psychologist says ""It's a good thing you came. I can clearly see your nuts"""

"Sorry hun, but unlike you, I'm not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn. I'm more of a casino where only the lucky ones hit the jackpot."