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Joke of the Day

"[God creating mosquitoes] ""I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces."""

"Trampolines used to be called jumpolines... Then your mom jumped on one!"

"Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was."

"1 out of 5 dentists just likes being a dick."

"I can't cook. My strategy for operating the oven is basically the same as my strategy for sex I do my best to turn it on, then I stick my stuff in and hope for the best."

"Why did the semen cross the road? Because I wore the wrong socks today"

"My friend just told me he's opening up an underground water storage facility. Oh, three of them, actually. Well, well, well..."

"Sharing a Facebook account with your gf/wife is the best way to let everyone know how whipped you are."

"Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies* Him: Heyyy...you uh...wanna fool around? Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie"

"[tied up by the mafia] any last requests? ""yes, let me go"" [still gets killed despite finding a loophole cuz the mafia arent very nice]"