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Joke of the Day

"I can't cook. My strategy for operating the oven is basically the same as my strategy for sex I do my best to turn it on, then I stick my stuff in and hope for the best."

"I'd hate to be stuck behind Satan in the post office... ...for the accursed one takes many forms."

"We could have saved 10 - 15 lives a year if Noah would have just said ""ya know what, bears? No"". Plus the Cubs wouldn't be a team."

"Yeah, you like getting choked don't you!? oops wrong sub..."

"Why did the turtle cross the road? ...to get to the Shell station."

"My nose was clogged the other day. A dutch woman kicked me right in the face."

"I'm sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards."

"What's the difference between god and pilots? God doesn't think he's a pilot."

"I just noticed how high the prices were for the Adele concert So I said ""Heeeellloooooooo from the Parking loooooooooottt"""

"Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting or has multiple restraining orders against me?"