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Joke of the Day

"How many aspiring actresses does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know - normally they screw in the casting director's hot tub"

"We've secretly replaced Janet's coffee with melatonin capsules. Let's see if okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed..."

"I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes"

"Odd how all the intelligent life finding instruments' are pointed away from earth."

"Your mom is like a pile of bricks. Constantly getting laid by Mexicans."

"NSFW:Guy's should hold on to their memories. Guy's should hold on to their memories. Stupid Auto Correct: I meant mammaries."

"TIL in 1972, the Russians attacked their own submarine off the coast of Guatemala Woops, wrong sub."

"What's the difference between jam and marmalade? I can't marmalade my dick up your ass."

"What do you call a beast made entirely from egg whites? A Meringue-u-tang!!! Note: I know it's spelled Orangutan. :P"

"How many Android users does it take to buy an iPhone? Zero. Apple doesn't accept EBT."