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Joke of the Day

"My wife says I've left the toilet seat up ""like a bajillion times"" but I'm contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount."

"Remember Kids! Friendly fire, isn't."

"""dad, what does extravagant mean?"" idk son. why don't you ... [i turn to my wife using $100 bills to light the fireplace] ask your mother"

"What do you call a Hispanic midget? A paragraph. He's too short to be called esse."

"What do you call a Mustard that keeps remembering things that haven't happened yet? dijon-vu mustard... (Sorry)"

"How does a man see things from woman's point of view? By looking out the kitchen window."

"What do you call a man with a rabbit up his jumper ? Warren !"

"Why does Luke Skywalker never have trouble getting laid? Because he always uses the force."

"How to you make a Hormone? You kick her in the groin."

"Every morning when I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed. I think I'll return the piece of shit to Ikea!"