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Joke of the Day

"What do four out of five guys love to do? Gang-rape."

"[loudly so dad who's been depressed since mom left can hear] Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS *dad looks up*"

"I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself."

"[first date] HER: I'm really into guys with ambitions ME: *trying to impress her* that's perfect, I have two frogs"

"Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it's like: ""Whoa...that guy has a job AND owns a home?"""

"What made Gandalf spend most of his time in the Shire at brothels? Love of the Halflings' queef."

"""Just do it!"" Why Nike reps don't man the suicide hotlines."

"You wanna hear a disappointing joke with an anticlimactic punchline? Okay."

"4-year-old: ""Frozen"" is on TV! Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download. 4: Yeah, but this one is on right now."

"Went to McDonald's and ordered a Happy Meal .... didn't work ... still grumpy."