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Joke of the Day

"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because they're extinct."

"My 2 year old woke up. 5 minutes of ""Mommy!"" 5 minutes of ""Mommy?"" Said ""Daddy?"" one time & my wife said, ""You should go check on her""."

"[babysitting] Ok well sorry I threw all your kid's toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party"

"I'm planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn't my first choice but my doctor told me I can't have any biologically."

"Is venison deer? No really. Only paid a couple of bucks."

"I've been eating sunflower seeds and Tweeting for 9 hours. Now I know what my canary feels like."

"The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career."

"I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!"

"My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records... ... until the librarian kicked me out."

"What makes a good Stalin joke? The execution."