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Joke of the Day

"Everyone keeps saying I'm paranoid... This must be some sort of conspiracy..."

"Her: You need to text faster Me: Not sure what you just sent. I'm still working on the texts from 3 weeks ago"

"How can you tell if an engineer is an extrovert? They look at YOUR shoes when they talk to you."

"Where do dogs park their cars? In barkinglots."

"The fact that twitter is at it's busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems"

"My hair's gone mad today if anyone needs a small furry animal smuggled anywhere."

"How do you guys tweet from the toilet? I poop with both hands."

"Handgun owners have a 2% increased rate of suicide. If we could get that up to 10%, Democrats stand a chance in 2020."

"One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol."

"How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1. Put some headphones in your pocket. 2. Wait one minute. Ta Da !"