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Joke of the Day

"How do you guys tweet from the toilet? I poop with both hands."

"Sometimes there's a huge disaster and lots of people die but it's ok because no celebrities got divorced."

"All I want to know is, what idiot named it a zipper...And not a penis flytrap?"

"Why do French warships have glass bottoms? So that they can see the rest of their fleet."

"For a week I've been telling my kid ""If your cough isn't better tomorrow, you're going to the doctor!"" and it finally worked. (She died.)"

"There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I'm supposed to stop reading the internet."

"I've never met a full on jew They were all just sort of jew-ish"

"I'm a freshman taking geometry. I can't wait to learn how to tie a hypotenoose."

"Girlfriend walks into the room - Smells like someone farted in here. What an asshole"

"The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK"