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Joke of the Day

"Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed."

"The only nation I will ever rule is.... Procrastination."

"I'd say my girlfriend is a five. If you count the thumb."

"What do you call a cow...? What do you call a cow that's missing a leg? Lean Beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. What do you call a cow that's masturbating? Beef Strokin-Off"

"""I do."" ""Same."" - wedding vows in 2030"

"Q: What is the best time to eat reindeer meat? A: When you're hungry."

"Wanna hear a corny joke? Ethanol"

"Do you know what 6.9 is? A good thing screwed up by a period."

"My doctor just told me I have Alzheimers... The only thing I can do now is figure out why I'm at this hospital"

"An orangutan in the zoo has two books The Bible and Darwin's Origin Of Species. He's trying to figure out if he's his brother's keeperor his keeper's brother."