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Joke of the Day

"[consoling grieving widow] so I guess you'll be looking for a new owner for his pokemon collection?"

"Great Russian Joke What's the difference between a shark and Vladimir Putin? The shark kills to eat, while Putin kills to ""AAAAARRRGGGHHH!!!"" ""Thump"" ...silence..."

"I was so bored last night I decided to make a belt out of all my watches It was a complete waist of time"

"If someone doesn't respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don't love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly."

"What do you call a robbery in China ? A Chinese take away !"

"My neighbor's dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him."

"What do you call an animal that goes through your trash and tells great stories? A raccoonteur."

"Tips to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right, then turn it to the left. Repeat this every time you are offered something to eat."

"They say you can get to a man's heart through his stomach... Unless he's a vegetarian. Then you can get there through his vagina."

"My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again."