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Joke of the Day

"I used to have dreams... then I became an insomniac"

"Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue"

"Hey girl, did you fall from heaven? Because you have a seriously fucked up face."

"Why do people ask ""what the hell were you thinking""? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it"

"I accidentally touched my wife's boob and she didn't recoil in disgust so things are looking up."

"I feel bad for people who work at German supermarkets. They have to deal with Deutsch bags all day."

"Have you ever heard a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Probably not. The P is silent."

"What is the title of Martha Stewart's culinary anthology? ""Cooking: The Books"""

"As a Florida resident... at least I'll have medical marijuana to treat the fucking cancer this election has given me. I won't even need a lighter, seeing as the country is already on fire."

"Why are there no jehovah's witnesses in Italy? The mafia doesn't like witnesses."