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Joke of the Day

"Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue"

"""Jesus take the wheel!"" I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead."

"ME: Wow I have to print this document right now PRINTER: Like, right right now?"

"other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread"

"My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they're crying I can say ""Gotham needs me"""

"What type of pants does Mario wear? Denim, denim, denim."

"If we start calling it 'potato juice', Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT??"

"Deathbed confession Me: We're bankrupt Him: What? How? Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time"

"Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform."

"Boss: Isn't your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move? Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I'm talking about"