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Joke of the Day

"COP: put ur hands in the air ME: ok C: now flip them over M: k? C: now cross them M: what C: put them behind ur head M: why- C: hey macarena"

"GOD: That's the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones ANGEL: Will do GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises"

"[Water cooler] -Looks like you had a wild weekend! How'd you get the scratches? *flash back to me bathing my cat* -Uh, this chick bro. Yeah."

"I told my boss I couldn't come into work because my anal glaucoma was acting up. I just couldn't see my ass there."

"DEAR ENTIRE WORLD: LIGHTENING IS WHAT BLEACH DOES TO HAIR. LIGHTNING IS WHAT I'M GOING TO STRIKE YOU WITH FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST SPELLING."

"I injured my back in Egypt... and had to see a Cairo-practor"

"How old were you on your last birthday? Eight. And how old will you be on your next birthday? Ten. Oh I don't think that's possible. Oh yes it is - I'm nine today."

"Single airline stewardesses are very lucky... for their convenience all men are already sorted into different classes."

"What do you call an irritated nerd? A noyd."

"What is it called when a turtle is mentally retarded? Reptile disfunction. ."