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Joke of the Day

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 85,432 times, you're a weatherman"

"*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*"

"Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad."

"Welcome to the celebrity impressionist club. Please take a seat, there are plenty of Chers. I'll see myself out...."

"If Kanye West was an egg... ...he'd be over-Yeezy."

"Why can you trust a musician? Because he always gives sound advice. Ba dum tsss."

"29 months? Yeah, no, I meant how old is your kid in HOURS."

"You say I'm ""Dirty minded"" but then how did you understand what I meant?"

"[11am] Me: oh look, it's sunny out. Me: I should go running. Me: or swimming! Me: these Doritos are delicious."

"My grandfather's last words.. My Grandfather said, ""Your generation relies too much on technology!"" I replied, ""No, your generation relies too much on technology!"" Then I unplugged his life support."