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Joke of the Day

"Him: It should be illegal for white people to wear dreads. Me: Are you Italian, my brother? Him: No. Me: Then no more pizza for you."

"Me: [getting stabbed by criminal] buddy this seems illegal"

"""Grandpa, why did everyone make a big deal out of selfies when they're just pictures, oh and thanks a lot for doing nothing about climate."""

"""GO SPORTS!"" -how I cheer for all sports"

"What do you call a fish that is good for your bones? An orthopedic sturgeon. :D ?"

"What did the Siamese twins from Iowa tell their date? It's February 1st. You going to caucas or not?"

"What do you get when you cross and owl and a bungie cord? . . . . . . . . . . ...My ass"

"*Stubs cigarette out in palm to look tough* *waits till everyone leaves* *takes out cell phone* Hello 911? Please send all your ambulances"

"What do you say when you are trying to comfort a grammar nazi? There, their, they're"

"[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound] ""chief, something has brought the boys to the yard"" bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT"