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Joke of the Day

"*Stubs cigarette out in palm to look tough* *waits till everyone leaves* *takes out cell phone* Hello 911? Please send all your ambulances"

"I think I might be a nihilist... not that it matters..."

"If a cop pulls you over for talking on your phone, just tell him you were reporting a drunk driver."

"Glow in the dark condoms. Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! ..."

"I told my disbelieving Egyptian friend that he was standing in a river... ...but he was in The Nile."

"Men. Can't live with 'em...can't finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life."

"I have a sore throat, a sinus headache, a paper cut, and I miss my kitties. No one has suffered as much as I have on a Friday."

"Why did the crab jump out of the water? Because the SeaWeed.."

"There is nothing more hypocritical than a Buddhist saying, ""YOLO"""

"I also like my coffee like i like my slaves. Hand-picked from a third world country. ...I'll show myself out."