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Joke of the Day

"The NYPD only does no-knock jokes."

"Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in..."

"What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? you: R? One might think it's the R, but really, it's the C."

"Sometimes you just have to be straight up with people or they will expect you to bend over backwards."

"i ate my weight in goldfish crackers. i'm hoping to poop a shark."

"COP: Do you know why I pulled you over. BLANKET: You were cold?"

"The Snooze Button: because your first act of the day should be procrastination."

"Who is the scariest hobbit? Lorena"

"If you are religious, then you should not wear underwear. It is holey."

"[At a One Direction concert] No, I'm not a...I SAID NO I'M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH"