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Joke of the Day
"The Snooze Button: because your first act of the day should be procrastination."
Next Joke
"Why don't women like to wear dresses in the winter? Chapped lips"
"What kind of moronic mirror thinks that Kristen Stewart is fairer than Charlize Theron?"
"I went to a sandwich shop, but they screwed up my order Oh wait, I've got the wrong sub."
"If you get robot arms don't get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]"
"A person dies every 3 seconds. How can a person die that many times?"
"How many flys does it to take screw in a lightbulb? Two, but don't ask me how they got in there."
"There's a Little House On The Prairie film in the works, in case any of you are looking to take a two-hour nap in a theatre next year."
"I keep missing my ex-girlfriend. But my aim is getting better."
"Sometimes I'll casually say ""what else do you want?"" on the phone, so the pizza guy thinks I'm ordering for more than just me."