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Joke of the Day

"I just found a halloween candy on my lawn and ate it. So I guess I AM able to live off the land if I ever needed to."

"How do you prevent 9/11? Make it a Malaysian airlines flight."

"I make the kids wear fannypacks so they'll have someplace to hold my drugs when we get pulled over."

"My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream ""three-way"" ice cream & I'm not sure I'll correct her cuz I'm a horrible person & it makes me laugh."

"Marriage is like a pack of cards... Marriage is like a pack of cards: all you need at the start are two hearts and a diamond, but you end up wishing you had a club and a spade..."

"This blonde is so stupid she called me to get my telephone number!"

"Life is all about trying way too hard to look like you're not trying."

"[job interview] ""What's your greatest weakness?"" I'm always hungry ""That's not what I-"" *takes out a cake* Also, I don't like to share"

"i' ve just bought an house in France, southern coast. It' s very Nice."

"It's okay Microsoft Excel even my love life is not responding."