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Joke of the Day

"Being on Twitter is like being at a party in that I say stuff to myself and sometimes people listen"

"Just apologized to my dog for being a crazy person, and I could tell by the way she didn't respond that she's been thinking it for a while."

"How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, let the bitch do the ironing in the dark."

"What's the difference between Kim Kardashian and a colored wash? Whites occasionally get inside a colored wash."

"Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD??? Me: What? No....it's my wife's..... Hips: No.... It's his... Me: Shut up Hips!"

"The best advice I can give to Black Friday shoppers is to come early and take a shit by the door so everyone tracks it in."

"Hey girl, you must be called Pepsi You're cheap, drunk all day, and you ain't gonna carry yourself home..."

"I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I'm hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014"

"Yall wanna hear a joke? Women's rights."

"I wonder who is being John Malkovich right now."