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Joke of the Day
"I've been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years."
Next Joke
"I only chill with professional alcoholics!!!"
"Damn, it feels good to be a gangster. Or going to a 7am meeting where my client will ream my ass and I'll just suck up to him. Whatever."
"""The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."" -FDR ""Exactly."" -everyone with anxiety"
"""Snitches get stitches,"" I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets."
"Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing."
"OPEN UP THIS IS THE COPS What's the magic word? [Cut to them back at the station writing on a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]"
"Five emos in a room A study has shown that if you put five emos in a room, one of them will eventually kill himself because he wont have a corner to cry in."
"I just started the tequila diet and I'm making great progress! I've already lost 2 days!"
"* charges phone. Phone: wrong hole."