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Joke of the Day

"Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common? A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GcvgsWkSY8"

"Whenever I look in the mirror I call myself ugly. because it hurts more coming from someone pretty."

"[grocery produce aisle] ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots? CLERK: No, why do you ask? CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?"

"Nephew drops my iPad, doesn't say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit. His future in Politics is secure."

".@petco None of the pets I purchase from you shrug and say ""It's a living"" when I use them in place of household appliances."

"I just found my old Nokia phone from 2003. It still has 87% battery life left."

"The Pokemon Champs The pokemon shooters should've blocked the exits if they wanted to be successful, ""gotta catch em all,"" remember!"

"Im so proud of one of my friends that happens to be a gay midget. He just came out of the cabinet."

"What's the difference between rock and jazz? Rock is playing three chords for a thousand people. Jazz is playing a thousand chords for three people."

"Gonna do a few laps around the office talking into a pop tart like a cell phone just to remind my co-workers that safety is an illusion."