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Joke of the Day

"Gonna do a few laps around the office talking into a pop tart like a cell phone just to remind my co-workers that safety is an illusion."

"FRIEND: haha she's so cutesay it for him honey HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar"

"You can tell Tim Horton's is a Canadian franchise, because my donut just apologized for making me fat."

"So I've been dating this anorexic girl... ...but lately I've been seeing less and less of her."

"A chemist walks into a bar... Chemist: Do you have any Sodium Hypobromite? Bartender: NaBrO"

"Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are"

"I saw a midget carrying a TV to his car I asked him: ""Do you need some help carrying that plasma?"" He said: ""Fuck off asshole, it's an iPad"""

"What came first the chicken or the egg? The chicken, eggs don't cum."

"There is nothing worse that realizing the vacation you planned is going to be the same week as her period."

"Saw a couple standing in the park holding each other tightly, silently, not moving. I was touched. Both their phones must've been stolen."