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Joke of the Day

"Nephew drops my iPad, doesn't say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit. His future in Politics is secure."

"Did you hear about the guy who was told his genitals hadn't developed properly? He got a little testy."

"What is a witch's least favorite food? Burnt steak."

"I hope Death is a woman... That way, it'll never come for me..."

"What did the egg say to the hot water?"

"I'm the king of letting my phone ring for a while before I pick it up so it seems like I'm busy"

"Judging by your selfie, I can't help wonder why your mother didn't try & sell you to a circus when you were younger."

"Last night my wife said that our bed had seen better days. She's right. When she stopped at her mum's last week, I had a threesome in it on Monday and Tuesday."

"Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work? *flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn't find a thermos* ""Yes"""

"Diet diary, day 3 I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake. But the cup cakes were amazing."