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Joke of the Day

"If a super villain attacks my house whose only weakness is leftover soy sauce packets from the take-out place, he is so fucked."

"Yesterday I was charged with kidnapping... That's the last time I fall asleep on a goat!"

"How many armed men does it take to extort an Olympic athlete? A Brazilian."

"You know what they say when you go black.... ....you're raising that kid by yourself."

"WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn't real? It's just part of series of fantasy novels. ME: *chasing an owl around my garden* WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!"

"I was going to tell a 9/11 joke today... ...but I was told that it would be insensitive and just plane wrong."

"Have you seen Stevie Wonder's house? ...neither has he!"

"You may have the last laugh now, but we'll continue this discussion later when Im alone in my car pretending to be a stupider version of you"

"Yo mama is so fat... When she wears a yellow raincoat, people yell ""Taxi!"""

"If you're feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there's nothing wrong with you!"