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Joke of the Day

"WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn't real? It's just part of series of fantasy novels. ME: *chasing an owl around my garden* WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!"

"That awkward moment when your girlfriend and side chick are both pregnant... ...and you realize you have to tell your wife."

"I'm changing my name to Ceed. Because all girls want to succeed!"

"Plot twist: two birds kill YOU with one stone."

"*doctor moonwalks into office* ""Your test results are back Mr Johnson. You tested positive for BEING FABULOUS!!"" *Mr Johnson does the robot*"

"Mario Kart: 1) stays in first place for 3 laps 2) gets passed by 5 people at last second 3) slams controller 4) quits job 5) divorces wife"

"""SANTA"" rearranged is ""SATAN""...I'm on to you fat man"

"Can strawberry jam? No, but lemon curd."

"It was definitely Adam and Steve - what kind of straight man hangs out in a garden??"

"""Body of Christ."" ""Why thank you, I HAVE been working out."""