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Joke of the Day

"I haven't been doing so well at the poop assembly line... My manager said if I don't pull my shit together soon I'll be fired."

"What do you call the mineral found in teeth and tooth enamel? Apatite."

"[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators"

"When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say ""Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?"""

"Pokemon GO is a blatant ripoff of another popular app... called Tinder, where you also swipe to find monsters in your area."

"What would you get if you crossed a new-born snake with a basketball? A bouncing baby boa."

"I'd rather watch a four hour montage of old Russian men eating soup than have a toddler throw a tantrum in a Target."

"I slept like a log, which means my underside was moist and bugs kept crawling up my crack."

"A guy is with a hot girl and gets a boner Girl: Is that a weapon in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Guy: Both, it's a weapon of ass destruction."

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize Ayy"