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Joke of the Day

"The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work."

"*Picking up my kid from school in 20 years* Me: Yo shawty leggo. Kid: Please no. Me: Stop hating YOLO. Kid: You're embarrassing. Me: Swag."

"I feel so bad for all these women that give me their phone numbers and when I call the line has been disconnected This economy is ruthless."

"What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend.."

"Did you hear about the time Helen Keller fell into a ditch She screamed until she was blue in the hand."

"What do you call a really cranky shaman with bad breath and osteoporosis? A Super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-by-halitosis"

"How come there's a History Channel that tells us what happened but not a Future Channel that tells us what's about to happen? That's racist."

"What if the cure for cancer is in the mind of someone who cant afford an education?"

"Q: Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake? A: It did $100 million worth of improvements."

"Geologists have jokes too Steve: ""Hey, what kind of rocks are these?"" Geologist: ""They're sex stones."" Steve: ""What? Really?"" Geologist: ""Yeah. They're just fucking rocks."""