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Joke of the Day

"Children are like ulcers... Their small, painful, restrict what you can and can't eat and by the time you've realised what's wrong you'll have 2 or 3 others"

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"I feel like Pitbull is what happens when you give a shift supervisor at Aeropostale a record deal"
"The Chinese stock market... >Is the safest market in the world, the most transparent market, the least fluctuating market, the most democratic market."
"Remember to check on your elderly neighbors to see if they have anything worth stealing."
"""I just want to meet a nice guy."" -Girls who exclusively date assholes"
"It's too bad Batman's real name wasn't Bruce Bates, then Alfred would be saying Master Bates all the time."
"Hey, did you hear about that hilarious joke on /r/Jokes? Neither did I."
"I think I'm overcoming dyslexia. I learned a new abbreviation today: DNA, or National Dyslexic Association."
"What does Salvador Dali have for breakfast? Surreal."
"I'll bet Vampire Kiddies enjoy scabs as much as human Kids love pudding skin"