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Joke of the Day

"UPS, FedEx, and DHL trucks should play a jingle like ice cream trucks so we know when our packages are coming."

"What did the Nazi with celiac disease say at the breakfast table? Excuse me, but is this cereal Glutenfrei?"

"Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory."

"What did one transition metal say to the other? Cu later!"

"I was just reminiscing with my friends about our day out at the clock museum... ...good times!"

"[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed] in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete ""can owls fly"" before mom sees it"

"I invented a figure skating move. It's called 360 degree faceplant. It's like a normal faceplant, but with a twist."

"What's worse that biting into an apple and finding a worm? Getting raped by a giant scorpion."

"Why didn't Santa's father get a ticket for speeding in the sleigh? A grandfather claus got him out of it!"

"[on a speed date] USUALLY I PREFER COCAINE BUT WOW"