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Joke of the Day

"I cooked a live Lobster in the microwave and now I have a giant mutant lobster in my living room demanding to watch The Little Mermaid."

"Boss ""I'm looking for a volunteer."" Me *chops off own legs ""I can't!"" Co-worker ""I'm busy, sorry."" Me ""damn, that's a better excuse."""

"[Sees restaurant is packed] *Pays hostess $20 to read note* ""Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street"" *Hipsters clear*"

"Why was the geologist hungry? He had a large Apatite."

"New idea for Mythbusters: Find an honest politician."

"A guy was so bored he broke a watch with his bare hands. Then he said ""i've got too much time on my hands"""

"What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?"

"I'm a scientist that's researching beastiality between humans and dogs. I'll be in my lab"

"Where do swashbuckling turds come from? A pirates booty"

"Did you know that trampolines used to actually be called jumpolines? That is, until 1982 when your mom got on one."