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Joke of the Day

"I cooked a live Lobster in the microwave and now I have a giant mutant lobster in my living room demanding to watch The Little Mermaid."

"Donald Trump and Mike pence fall off a boat, neither of them can swim, who survives? AMERICA"

"Next time somebody calls your home phone... Say ""Can I call you back? I'm driving."""

"What do Big Ben and the House of Commons have in common? Both have a huge bellend swinging his weight around inside"

"They laughed at me when I said I will become a comedian Well...now they are not. Wait..."

"If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, and love is a rhythm, then you are on LSD."

"So if I get the job at Walmart,,, do I pull my own teeth out,, or does it happen during orientation ?"

"Just received an email saying: ""Want to see Celine Dion live?"" My first thought was that it was a ransom demand."

"I'm surprised that more people don't become astronauts The amount of space cadets I come across is startling"

"The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead. -Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive"