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Joke of the Day

"A guy was so bored he broke a watch with his bare hands. Then he said ""i've got too much time on my hands"""

"[At the ferret store] I'll take five of those furry slinkys"

"How do you confuse a blonde? You don't. They're born that way! "

"I like to use Rock, paper scissors to make all my binary choices. Like what gender I am"

"Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin' to Do."

"Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she's had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she's talking about right now"

"I'll apologize for burning your house down if you apologize for telling me I ""overreact."""

"A grasshopper walks into a bar... Bartender says, ""You know, we have a drink named after you."" Grasshopper says, ""You have a drink called Steve?"""

"I have reliable inside information about Apple's next product. I will not be able to afford it."

"Oh trust me, I am very racist I ran plenty of marathons"