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Joke of the Day

"me: wow the stars are beautiful gf: omg babe they really are me: u know who else is beautiful? gf: *blushes* who? :3 me: Harambe"

"One Night Stand This furniture store keeps emailing me, all I wanted was one night stand!"

"Him: I love nerd girls Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can't feel water, only a change in temperature? Him: no. not like that."

"What do you call it when you get a blowjob from a woman with Zika? A little head"

"ME: any advice DAD: its ok to embellish a little [later at job interview] INTERVIEWER: tell me about yourself M: i wrote harry potter"

"[At the ferret store] I'll take five of those furry slinkys"

"Why was the baby put in jail? For resisting a rest. ^^^^I'll ^^^^take ^^^^my ^^^^coat"

"How do you kill a one legged Fox? Make him run across Canada"

"My Dr. wrote me a prescription My Dr. Wrote me a prescription for daily sex, but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia."

"So I was at a sushi restaurant last night. I saw they had this Orgasm roll. I tried it, but I couldn't finish."