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Joke of the Day

"Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting."

"yells ""PARKOUR"" then strokes a dog the wrong way, the camera zooms in on the dogs face, he portrays mild annoyance"

"I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)"

"Why did the artist put on a show of horse paintings? He wanted to mount an exhibit!"

"Some people think stalking is wrong... I call those people cops"

"What does a blonde say after having sex? ""Are you all on the same team?"""

"What Should You Do After Ireland Wins The World Cup Turn off Fifa and go to bed"

"I don't drink anymore ...or any less, still too much."

"If your house it hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT AND SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY. That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside."

"I just joined Twitter; it's really easy to follow people. Too bad it cuts into my exercise."