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Joke of the Day

"Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off."

"grampa: i was sent to war when ur mother was a baby. i didnt kno if i'd see her again me: noo my uber stopped on the other side of the road"

"Have you heard of the Y-values? I heard they're all the range."

"[interview] ""Describe yourself in three words."" Me: responds poorly to authority"

"Someone asked me recently what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

"The existence of Hogwarts has never been proven false..."

"Bond. Bail Bond."

"I run sentences together on purpose so you don't get a chance to pause and change your mind about reading whatever it is I'm not saying."

"What did the suicide bomber from the Rebel Alliance say before detonating? ADMIRAL ACKBAR!"

"I enjoy hitting my kids with my belt. I also never take my belt off."