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Joke of the Day

"*slips seductively out of shorts* You know what that means... *sleeps soundly for 7 hours* *drools a little*"

"Did you hear about what happened to Henry Winkler He got Eyyyyyyyyyds"

"Every morning when my alarm goes off I think, ""this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me."""

"Avocados are like women: soft inside, dinosaur skin outside, big cricket ball in the middle, all the good ones are taken..."

"(Quick one-liner joke:) Why are pretty women like pianos? Because when they're not upright, they're grand!"

"If Amy Poehler was a cold front.... She'd be the Poehler Vortex"

"The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I'm joking."

"Q. How many line dance instructors does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five!...Six!...Seven!...Eight!"

"I'm sorry I picked up dog poop using your selfie stick."

"I used to hate facial hair... but then it grew on me."