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Joke of the Day

"The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I'm joking."

"What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? They both get to smell it but neither of them can eat it."

"Hillary Clinton is elected President. JK."

"5yo: I can't wear those socks today. They say Wednesday. Me: If anyone notices, tell them you're here from the future to save the world."

"Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4 what is 4+4? Pupil: That's not fair! You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!"

"The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things."

"[at a party] *taps wife's shoulder* I've looked everywhere...where are all the swings? (wife pulls away from kissing Bob) ""What?"""

"DAD: Your mother and I love you very much, and I'm not sure how to tell you this, but... you're adopted. DOG: OMG THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE"

"I heard Target is closing all its stores in Canada I guess you can say nobody will miss it"

"What do you call a plant getting kidney surgery? A transplant"