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Joke of the Day

"the devil has a tape recorder containing the sounds you made when you sang aloud with a group but didn't actually know the words"

"An elephant never forgets My dick remembers everything."

"Arnold Palmer has died... I heard that he will be half buried and half cremated."

"If I had a dollar for everytime I had an existential crisis it wouldnt matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless."

"Cat: Meow Me: Hi Cat: Meoww *picks up cat* Cat: Meowww *puts cat down* Cat: Meowwww *feeds cat* Cat: Meowwwww Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"There's three cop cars in the parking lot of my gym. This might be my last Tweet for a little while."

"[first day as a bartender] Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade"

"If Hannibal Lector is not a vegetarian, what is he? A humanitarian."

"Wanna hear a joke? March 8."

"200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass"